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Sweet Dreams & Boy Crazy! Sunday, Apr. 20, 2003 - 12:49 am ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So as I said in my gratitude journal, I had a very lovely dream last night. I sort of have this collection of boys that I have crushes on, and with many of them I have this whole secret dream life with them. It's a little odd but very delightful. These dreams are almost never sexual, just very sweet, maybe some kissing or snuggling or something but mostly wonderful feelings of emotional intimacy. Now through my entire life I've always had sort of a list in my head of the boys I have crushes on. I love crushes. There's something very pleasurable about that feeling of longing. And I love the excitement of flirting with someone when there's a definite attraction but you don't really know if it's going to go somewhere or just stay flirting. There's one boy I have a crush on that I long for so much, but I so enjoy the longing that I honestly think I'd prevent anything else from developing with him. And I guess I should say I am so thankful and happy to be in a marriage that is open to all of this. So anyway, I have always had all these crushes. And I have also always been friends with my crushes. I have never had any trouble getting to know them or talking to them or flirting or whatever. Not even as a teenager, pre-teen, whatever. And I watched a lot of girls go through a weird silent awkwardness with boys they had crushes on, and not be able to talk to them and so forth. Never happened to me. Until very recently. I don't know why but I'm very reluctant to actually type his name. I don't know what it is exactly but there is something about this man that makes me crazy. I have only been around him a couple of times. Weirdly enough I met him at my wedding. Boy was that an odd moment. Then he was at this New Year's campout we went to, and I was so looking forward to seeing him again. Until I discovered that all I could do around him was giggle. I didn't really have a feeling like I wanted to talk to him honestly, just be near him and bask in him. Let me give you an example: I actually sat next to him and just watched him carve wood for like 3 hours. We didn't even speak. I was so high on him, a friend came over to talk to me while I was sitting there and I discovered when I saw her later I hadn't heard a word she had said. I tried what I usually do when I find someone overwhelmingly attractive: I just tell them. This was a wonderful discovery I made a couple years ago when I met this man Petey who just has a stunningly handsome face. I found upon meeting him I was having trouble speaking because I was so distracted, so I just suddenly came out with, "You are a handsome man, Petey." And it worked wonders. He was very flattered, and somehow the distraction was gone. Anyway, I actually finally grabbed this other man at the campout and said something like, "I really want to talk to you but I'm so overwhelmed by how sexy you are that I'm having trouble." Didn't help. It almost made it worse. I became obsessed. I kept talking about him to everyone. I think easily half the people there (out of like 100 people or so) knew I had this obsession. It was really weird. I did finally have a very nice, very sweet interaction with him so I was able to leave feeling very ok about the whole thing. Anyway, the thing that struck me as odd was during the campout I kept having all these dreams about these boys but never about him. In fact until last night I had never had a dream about him. Now that I have, I feel like something has been completed or something. I just feel better about the whole thing. Especially because in the dream I wasn't all giggly and stuff, I actually talked to him like a normal person. (And then some other stuff happened that I'm not going to go into here.) What is my deal? Why have I been typing so much about boys? Why am I so boy crazy lately? The oddest thing about all this boy stuff, is that usually I'm totally girl crazy. I certainly always have all these boy crushes but they're usually just background. After all, I have a husband so the boy longings are generally taken care of. I've really only got one girl right now that I'm crazy about, and I honestly don't even know her that well (yet, I hope) or see her very often. I've got to meet more girls. Girls are weird. It's so hard to tell if they're flirting with me, or if they're just really friendly and lovey with girls. I recently discovered this with a friend of mine. This whole time (well not a real long time) I thought we were flirting, then just recently she tells me she's really not into girls and I realize I've seen her be like this with other girls too. Argh. It's confusing. And then this guy, a friend of my husband I've never met, comes over to fix the car and just instantly I wanted to grab him. What's going on?
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recent book: Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott recent movies: How to Murder Your Wife; Hammett; Help!; Flirting with Disaster
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Crummy - Monday, Jul. 12, 2004 Can't Decide - Monday, Jun. 07, 2004 Letting Go - Friday, Jun. 04, 2004 Google 5 - Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 Before Tattoo - Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 older entries random entry profile * sign my guestbook* For a more complete view of my life, read these: live journal ~ gratitude journal DiaryLand |