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Cookie Confusion Sunday, Jun. 29, 2003 - 3:33 am ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I felt earlier like I desperately wanted to write stuff in here, but now I don't feel so compelled. I covered a lot of stuff in my gratitude journal. Part of what I wanted to write about was how bad I was feeling when I got home from Decompression. I don't know what was going on. My moods are so odd lately. I don't know what to make of it. I have this crazy feeling like I miss Cookie. I don't know what that means. I just saw him. He's never been more a part of my life or anything. He's brand new to my life. This strong connection feeling I have for him confuses me. It's similar to how my husband and I felt when we first fell in love, but we were in love, it seemed like that made it make some kind of sense. I am not in love with Cookie. I love him dearly, but I'm not IN love with him. I wonder if any of this is because he revealed to me the identity of woman he "kind of likes." I mean, I know her, I think she's awesome, and he actually told her, which was something he was debating about when he was over here Wednesday and I'm really glad he did (in the spirit of being open with your feelings), and she feels the same and it sounds like things will likely go on some kind of good path, though not until after Burning Man they decided because he's leaving for DPW first week of August. Anyway, I guess I do have feelings of jealousy for her, but not really because I want him to like me like that (although that would certainly be cool, it's not where I'm really at with this). It's more because being attracted to someone is a fairly clear way to feel about them. What I mean is, if he told me he was attracted to me, I would have a lot more certainty about how he feels about me. I guess I'm jealous that he told her how he feels about her. And I'm jealous that he'll likely start making a point to see her and stuff, but will he ever do that with me? God this is so weird. You know I say that, but I feel like I'm deluding myself a little. It's kind of like this from my live journal (and I specifically mean the comments) in a way, in that, I think I say "this is weird" a lot about Cookie because I think other people will think it's weird. I don't know that deep down I really think it's all that weird. I think calling it weird also allows me to keep some distance or something. I wish I'd get another good opportunity to just be really open with Cookie about what's on my mind, much like this. Maybe this is all weird. It's all definitely confusing. I feel like I have to stop rambling about Cookie now.
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Today I listened to: The Polyphonic Spree Today I watched: Lexx; The Monkees; The Butcher's Wife
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Crummy - Monday, Jul. 12, 2004 Can't Decide - Monday, Jun. 07, 2004 Letting Go - Friday, Jun. 04, 2004 Google 5 - Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 Before Tattoo - Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 older entries random entry profile * sign my guestbook* For a more complete view of my life, read these: live journal ~ gratitude journal DiaryLand |