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Today's Epiphany Thursday, Apr. 03, 2003 - 1:33 am ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wow! What a day it's been. So this morning I'm writing my morning pages and thinking about having read this week's Artist Way chapter last night. Somewhere in all of this I had an epiphany. I believe this epiphany is finally the thing that if I can fix this, then everything else will start falling into place. It's THE thing holding me back. I'm actually embarrassed to say what the epiphany was. It makes me feel stupid. Ahem. Ok, I feel worthless. Yup, that's it. On a basic level, I feel that I am worthless. I guess I was sort of subtly (and occasionally not so subtly) taught this growing up. All of my drive to do all these "shoulds" comes from feeling like completing them is a way to make me feel worthwhile, valuable. Because if I don't do them, then I really am worthless. I think I'm so hungry for attention because it makes me feel like I might be worthwhile after all. Yep, I feel stupid. Now I know logically and rationally that I am not worthless. I don't think I am worthless. I'm not sure if I believe I'm worthless. But I feel worthless. And there's no reasoning with feelings. I did though feel kind of good to have realized this finally because I feel like I found the key. Once in high school theatre class I did a monologue where this woman was finally asserting herself to her family or something, and the play took place on the 4th of July, and one of her lines was "This is my independence day!" And that's how I feel. Today is my independence day. I have other stuff to say, but I have to start a new entry.
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Crummy - Monday, Jul. 12, 2004 Can't Decide - Monday, Jun. 07, 2004 Letting Go - Friday, Jun. 04, 2004 Google 5 - Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 Before Tattoo - Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 older entries random entry profile * sign my guestbook* For a more complete view of my life, read these: live journal ~ gratitude journal DiaryLand |