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Isolated Saturday, Feb. 07, 2004 - 1:08 am ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In nice news, Stuart paid me a nice compliment today. We were talking about the cold weather, and he said something like, "I am feeling abit warner now that I'm basking in the warmth of the sun and your smile." At least, I think that's what he said. I got all self-conscious and maybe I imagined it or misheard. But I'd like to believe he said it and it was very sweet. What a sweet boy. Otherwise though, I feel very isolated and lonely. I would like very much to try to share with someone what I'm really feeling and going through and everything right now, but I feel really vulnerable and it's hard for me to talk about. And maybe I'm sending out "I don't want to talk about it vibes" and people are just being polite, and that's really cool. And a lot of people are going through some really intense shit right now, so I really really understand what's going on. But, I could really use someone really taking the time to ask me real questions and indicate that they're really listening, so that I could feel like I finally have a save space to open up in. And then maybe I could let some of this out. I get to let some of it out with my husband, but there's constantly more, and I need more release. I feel like I'm fronting right now. I feel like much of the time I'm showing everyone a facade. I do start to get used to the facade and forget it's there a lot of the time, but I don't feel like I'm really living. I feel like I'm cutting off some big part of myself. I feel isolated. Alone. Lost. I feel like I'd like to share this on Live Journal, but then I'd feel like I'm asking for help or criticizing people, or worse, whining, looking for attention. I am at a loss. I don't know what to do. Even if I was comfortable really asking for what I need, I don't know if I can get it if it feels forced at all because I had to ask. I'm a bit scared. I feel like I'm losing touch with reality, a little bit. I will admit, though I'm scared and embarrassed to, but I'm going to as a form of self-protection, I will admit that I had suicidal thoughts yesterday. If anyone is actually reading this, no one get worried, I'm not really depressed and I'm definitely not suicidal. I've been in that hole before, and I'm not there now, I promise. But it's still really scary for those thoughts to show up at all. Writing this here is a way of helping control it. Is the answer right in front of me? Am I just a big idiot? I really hate that I just keep thinking of Stuart, that I'd like to confide in him. Why? Does he have anything special to offer? Oh, maybe. But I'm worried that it's mostly an attention getting thing. I don't know what it is. He sounds really safe to me. I can imagine telling him about the suicidal thoughts and him understand and listening and not really judging somehow. I'm not even sure I can get that from my husband in this case. But am I attributing too much to him, because of my emotional attachment? I need help, Universe. Please send help.
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Crummy - Monday, Jul. 12, 2004 Can't Decide - Monday, Jun. 07, 2004 Letting Go - Friday, Jun. 04, 2004 Google 5 - Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 Before Tattoo - Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 older entries random entry profile * sign my guestbook* For a more complete view of my life, read these: live journal ~ gratitude journal DiaryLand |