|
|
Obsessing & When I Was 17 Friday, May. 09, 2003 - 1:24 am ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why can't I just go to bed? I am obsessing about Kevissimo yet again, but now I feel like I have valid concerns. I am realizing that I am projecting all this stuff onto him and getting too attached to certain outcomes, granted vague outcomes, but still, I've gotten too attached to my idea of him and what I want him to do, and I just don't know how to stop this and stop being a freak about him, and yes someday this sentence will end, there it just did. I am suffering once again from the "I care about X more than X cares about me" syndrome, except this time I really think it's true. But it's not really a matter of caring more, I mean that's kind of vague. I don't think it's really more, it's just different, and, I'm sorry to say, I think it's incompatible. Basically, I don't know how I can spend the few days of Flipside with him and not tell him some of how I'm feeling, as confusing as it is to me, and I just really have no idea how he's going to react, but I'm very fearful it will be bad. Or just not what I want, and because I've gotten so attached to what I want, anything else would seem bad. Got it? I feel like such a freak over here. I wish I could just chill out. Where is all this coming from anyway? Nevermind all this, I've got this continual Cookie obsession going on in my head. Well I guess I was saying that I wanted to reclaim some of who I was at 17, so I guess this is what I get. Have I ever mentioned that here? When I was 17 I was put on birth control pills, which I now know kind of fucked up my reproductive stuff, and I met Eric that year. Eric is my abusive ex-boyfriend. Perhaps I'll go into that more sometime. Anyway, the first half of seventeen, before the pills and before Eric was great and awesome in several ways. It was terrible in some ways too, but that's a very different story. In some ways, I was leading 2 lives at the time. But I'm talking about the good life right now. It was my first year of college, and I just felt so free and strong and independent. Then I started letting people tell me what to do and it all went wrong from there. I don't mean my whole life went wrong, just that major things happened that I'm still dealing with in a major way today. And I turn 27 in two and a half weeks. Ok, shut up, calm down, go to bed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Crummy - Monday, Jul. 12, 2004 Can't Decide - Monday, Jun. 07, 2004 Letting Go - Friday, Jun. 04, 2004 Google 5 - Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 Before Tattoo - Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 older entries random entry profile * sign my guestbook* For a more complete view of my life, read these: live journal ~ gratitude journal DiaryLand |