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Lots and Lots of Stuart Talk Tuesday, Dec. 16, 2003 - 11:46 pm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Warning to anyone that might actually be reading this: This entry is almost entirely giddy rambling about that man I'm in love with. (Stuart, of course.) Nothing much of substance here. Today I met my husband and Stuart for lunch. It was super cool to get to spend an hour with them in the middle of the day like that. We were seated at a square table, and because of where the table was positioned I ended up sitting next to Stuart and across from my husband. This was a fairly small table and we're all fairly tall people, particularly Stuart. Anyway, it was difficult to not keep bumping Stuart's legs or knees or whatever under the table, because I'm always fidgeting around. The neat thing was was that he never pulled away. In fact, I think he could have shifted slightly so that I wouldn't keep bumping him, but he didn't. Usual interaction with people that are not physically involved would have both people in this position pulling away so that they didn't touch, even in these small ways. So it meant something to me that he never pulled away. Not neccessarily that he liked the slight touching, though that's certainly possible, but at least that he was comfortable with it. That's he's comfortable with me. That's huge for me. A very small incident, but it meant a lot to me. And actually, frankly, I could have probably shifted so that I didn't keep bumping him, and I did occasionally, but I liked the small touches, so I didn't most of the time. Yep, I'm crazy. I wish I had any inkling where this was going. I suppose it's silly to say that, because I don't have any real indication that my relationship with Stuart is "going" anywhere. But if I listen to my intuition, and I really don't think this is wishful thinking talking, if I listen to my intuition, this relationship is "going" somewhere. I suppose even friendships will grow and deepen, and perhaps that's all this one is. But, I dunno, I feel like there's something more here. I feel like we have a kind of connection and comfort and even attraction that neither of us is especially used to. When I talked to him on the phone so much Friday night, I told him I was always concerned about making him uncomfortable, and that I have to trust that he'll take care of himself and tell me if I am. I can't remember what words he said or anything, but what I got from what he said is that the only times I have ever made him uncomfortable is when I tell him I want to spend time with him or whatever, because he feels so much time pressure in general and so I end up adding more pressure. But he said my "emotional attachment," which were very appropriate words, is fine. Maybe he said it was cool. Can't remember. Definitely either neutral or positive. Which is good. I was so thrilled that he came to the party on Saturday, and even more thrilled that he was looking for me when he got there. He said he wanted to make sure I knew he was there so that he'd get a checkmark for that. I spent lots of time with him, hanging out, talking about whatever. I also spent a good amount of time hanging on him. I was very drunk, so some of the memory is hazy. I rememberstanding up against him, my head against his chest, just kind of clinging to his shoulder and his jacket. I think we stood like that for a looong time. It was wonderful. He was completely receptive to it. At some point he kind of pulled away a little to talk to someone, but he kept holding my hand the whole time. I also remember petting his head and kind of running my fingers through his hair. I must have been really drunk to feel confident enough to do that with him. I do that with lots of people, even people I don't know well sometimes, but with him, I get oddly nervous. I guess because it matters more. Wow, I didn't mean to talk this much about him. I do really wonder exactly how he feels about me. He's definitely seeming much more receptive to affection, which I of course love. In addition to the party stuff, last Monday night when we were leaving he and I hugged a long long time. Just stood there in an embrace. And at the party at our house last weekend, he petted my head some once, and I remember holding his hand kind of over my shoulder while he talked to people behind me and I talked to Syd. I told Syd, Stuart is my second favorite man in the world, after my husband. I hope Stuart heard. Or that Syd told him. I wonder if they talked about me. Ok ok, I think I'm done with my boy ramble before it just gets totally crazy.
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Crummy - Monday, Jul. 12, 2004 Can't Decide - Monday, Jun. 07, 2004 Letting Go - Friday, Jun. 04, 2004 Google 5 - Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 Before Tattoo - Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 older entries random entry profile * sign my guestbook* For a more complete view of my life, read these: live journal ~ gratitude journal DiaryLand |