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A Big Day Learning about Surrender Sunday, Aug. 17, 2003 - 12:07 am ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wow what a day. This will be a really long entry because so much important stuff has happened in a short period of time. I had a great conversation with my husband today about various stuff. It was very good. The biggest thing for me that I got out of it, was when my husband suggested that people respond to me in a way that makes it seem like they care about me less than I care about them, because I behave in ways that make them respond that way, because then I have a self-fulfilling prophecy, that I care about people more than they care about me. Hmm. As soon as he said it it made sense. But interestingly, he also said that he thinks a big part of it too is that I don't "play the game," which I felt very flattered to hear, because I guess I try not to. I don't have much interest in "the game." It reminded me also of Ernesto telling me that I do everything different from the way everybody else does it. These things make me feel good, like I'm really an independent thinker. And my husband also said, that he also thinks people reach out to me less and offer less support to me because they believe I don't need it, and that that can really be taken as a compliment. He said, in a way, it's like people think I'm more advanced or "better" than they are, because I'm clearly on a good path. I certainly don't want to think of myself as better in any way, but it was the kind of thing that made me feel like I'm on the right path. He brought up an interesting example of what he means, which is the way people treat my sexuality. I have often observed other people be teased or have comments or questions directed at them for various kinds of sexual activity, or even assumed activity. But this never happens to me. Like for example, at Burning Man 99, I ended up sort of hooking up with a guy, Jason, and one night he slept in my tent with me. All that went on was snuggling, but no one else had any reason to know that, and when morning came, the whole rest of my camp was up and sitting bascially outside my tent, so when Jason decided to get up, everyone saw him leave my tent. I thought surely surely someone was going to tease me or at least comment on it to me, possibly even in front of everybody, because I see that sort of thing happen to other people all the time. Not one word. Another example, is the only time I've ever really engaged in any kind of public sexual activity. No comments from anyone of any kind. I don't even think people talked about it because Audrey who wasn't there didn't even know about it until I told her, even though she lived with the woman involved and other people that were there. I have numerous examples like this, where I'm often bracing myself for some kind of response from people that never comes. With the sexuality thing though, I've always taken it as people being respectful. Or something. It's hard to describe. But I've always interpreted it in a positive way. So my husband pointed out that there may be reason to interpret people's lack of a response to me in other cases as a positive thing as well. All kind of complicated, I guess. Definitely stuff I will be pondering more. The other HUGE thing today was this fantastic phone conversation with Stuart. Oh but I didn't say in here that I sent him this email yesterday. So let me back up. The past couple days I'd been feeling really stressed about Stuart, with this weird feeling of urgency, and I was dying to see him and talk to him. Well finally yesterday I just sat with this urgency to try to figure out where it was coming from, because there was no obvious reason for it. And I realized I had this feeling like I was going to lose Stuart somehow if I didn't talk to him. So I decided I really needed to express how I was feeling with him, but because I really didn't know when I'd be seeing him again or have a chance to talk with him, I just decided to send him an email. Here, I'm just going to copy part of it in here: For some reason I have this weird feeling of urgency with you, and I tried to figure out where that's coming from, because I don't see any reason for it. But I've realized I have this awful feeling that I'm going to lose you somehow, I mean lose your friendship. Yes I have these feelings for you, but what really matters to me is your friendship. I really want to spend more time with you and get to know you better and get closer to you and learn more from you and so forth. But for whatever stupid reason I have all these feelings of anxiety, and I decided it was better for me to just be honest and open and express them. Perhaps I should say the thing I most want from you is to feel sure of you, if that makes any sense. But I really hate feeling like I'm asking you for anything, but I know I'd better leave that sentence in here or I'll keep feeling like I haven't been open enough. So it was real scary to send him that and I didn't know what was going to happen, but after I did it, I really felt like I had done the right thing. So, today. I woke up thinking about this more, and wrote all about it in my morning pages. And the thing I came up with was surrender. I just earlier this week had the experience of getting frustrated with the people I'm traveling to Burning Man with because they were suddenly sounding like they were doing different things and junk, and after a couple days of freaking out about this, I finally realized I didn't like what was happening to me and how uptight I was being, so I decided to just let go of it. I even wrote them an email sort of apologizing for my snappiness and kind of explaining that I was trusting that the Universe was going to give me whatever experience I needed. Within a couple of hours of writing this email, they write me and it seems as if things have been figured out and are back the way I wanted them to be. How's that for a lesson from the Universe. That happened Thursday. Yesterday I was counseling Starr about this trusting idea because she was having similar pre-Burning Man frustrations. Also, I've been thinking a lot about this trusting and surrendering concept in general. I mean, let go and enjoy the ride is a very similar idea. And Stuart likes to say about things that they are "in Allah's capable hands." And anytime he says a sentence in the future tense, he ends it with "inshallah" (sp?), which he says basically mean god willing. So I've been thinking about that idea, and realized I was bothered by it at first because of the implied surrender involved. AND, I realized the root cause of my stressing about him was that it gave me an illusion of control. So I came up with all this, and was feeling better about stuff seeing that letting go and surrendering is the direction I need to go in, started this big awesome conversation with my husband, when Stuart called. He called me. To talk about the stuff in the email. Part of me still really can't believe it. What an absolutely super wonderful thing for him to do. I had also forwarded him the link to my Live Journal entry about The Future of Love (which I also included in here) and we talked about that some. And I was so happy to learn that he really gets it. I of course have a vested interest in him getting it. So he called and we talked and I feel so very good about things now. I feel like he really understands what's going on with me now. He appreciated me wanting to be open and honest. He said I am probably picking up on his reluctance to commit to much of anything in his life until he really feels like he is where he wants to be in his life. (To which I have to say the man is 35, has he really never committed to anything? When will it be time? Definitely something to ask him more about at another time.) I also told him about the "thinking people care less about me than I do about them" struggle. I told him calling me like he did was just about the best possible thing he could have done. He was glad. I told him about all this surrender and illusion of control stuff I had been thinking about, and he really got it. I also told him it was something I think I can really learn from him because he's so good at this surrender thing. I told him I just really want to spend more time with him, but I didn't really know how to make it happen or if I even should make it happen, and again he just seemed to get it. I think that is one of my very favorite things about him. He just gets it. I hardly ever have to explain myself much to him, because he just understands what I'm saying, or he just inherently understands the concept I'm discussing. It's awesome. So I of course still don't really feel like I know what's going to happen, but I feel so much more ok with that, and I feel like he and I have really communicated now. Oh god I just feel so happy about it all. Yay! I think that is everything for today. Wow! I still can't believe he called me. Wow!
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today's listening: Elvis; Chris Whitley; Govinda today's watching: Farscape; Harvey
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Crummy - Monday, Jul. 12, 2004 Can't Decide - Monday, Jun. 07, 2004 Letting Go - Friday, Jun. 04, 2004 Google 5 - Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 Before Tattoo - Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 older entries random entry profile * sign my guestbook* For a more complete view of my life, read these: live journal ~ gratitude journal DiaryLand |