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Breakdown Ramblings Friday, Oct. 31, 2003 - 1:35 am ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel like I'm having a breakdown. Maybe that's too dramatic really. But this feels quite different. I am doing my High;y Sensitive Person's Workbook finally. It is good for me, though often upsetting. Just now I was thinking a lot about my childhood. It never occurred to me before that parents might comfort their child when the child fails at something. I just always felt like a failure. One more reason I wasn't good enough. I have spent so much time and energy stressing and trying to be good enough for them, particularly my mother. I have never wanted to ask for things I want, or even need, whether those things are tangible or intangible. I have always been convinced that I would be imposing, that people would say yes just because they were put on the spot. I remember feeling this in fourth grade. Not sure about before then. Where did this come from? I think it's more of this preoccupied attachment style junk. I'd like to work on that. I wish I had a shaman therapist healer teacher person I could go to. I realized I was the first child of fairly young, anxiety-ridden parents. Both of my grandmothers have/had anxiety issues. Sometimes, I want a new life. Michael Levy said in 8th grade, "Why don't you just get a whole new life." Odd memory. I want out of this. I want help. I want to feel strong and capable. I want to be someone who gets things done. I want to feel confident. No more fear and worry and second-guessing. I want to be strong. How do I get there? I want to ask for help, but I don't know who to ask. Or what to even ask for. And I don't actually want to ask really, I want people to magically know. If I knew who to ask, maybe I would ask them. Help. Universe. Help. I'm ashamed to admit I want someone to notice I haven't been posting in my LJ and ask me about, ask if I'm ok. Why can't I just ask for help myself? Why when I post an entry about feeling bad does no one write those stupid words of support? Is it because I never write them for other people? I just want someone besides my husband to notice me. I feel lost. And alone. I'm so tired, but I hate to go to sleep like this. Maybe I could read. Am I really having a breakdown? What would that mean? Maybe I could timidly post what I said about wanting to ask for help, but not knowing who to ask or what to ask for. No, Ir eally don't think it will get me anything, and that would be worse, to just be ignored. I miss Stuart. I hope I see him this weekend. I hope he comes over and watches a movie with us. I could cry and cry and cry all day. What? Good night.
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today I watched: Kissing Jessica Stein
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Crummy - Monday, Jul. 12, 2004 Can't Decide - Monday, Jun. 07, 2004 Letting Go - Friday, Jun. 04, 2004 Google 5 - Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 Before Tattoo - Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 older entries random entry profile * sign my guestbook* For a more complete view of my life, read these: live journal ~ gratitude journal DiaryLand |