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Cookie Visits Thursday, Jun. 26, 2003 - 12:35 am ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So if you've read my gratitude journal, you'll know that Cookie Cookie Cookie Cookie. I think that covers my day. Ok so more information. We made plans yesterday for him to come over today at 7, and then dinner or something would happen. He actually arrived a little before 5, while I was still cleaning the house and feeling grungy and stuff. Somehow I knew he was going to get here early too. I was actually really glad he got here early, because it gave me no time to be nervous about his coming. It also meant that I got to spend about an hour and a half just the two of us talking, which was the main thing I wanted. He is going through all kinds of shit right now and feeling really down and stressed. So much so that he actually posted to the austin list for people to send him hugs. I felt really good that I was here for him to talk to and that he wanted to talk to me about what he's going through. He seemed like he was feeling much better by the time he left. Oh so blah blah blah. There's no reason for me to go into every single detail of the evening. Eventually my husband came home and we all went to eat at Kerbey Lane, then we came back here and Cookie and I hung out more and he made me a butterfly out of copper wire. What is it about him? His presence makes me feel so very good. I just sat quietly and watched most of the time while he was making the butterfly for me. I feel so calm next to him. I don't feel like I have to talk or be any particular way. I am starting to reach the point where I am wanting to know how he feels about me exactly. I don't want to want to know. I feel like it's more of that preoccupied insecurity. I want to let go and enjoy the ride. It seems pretty clear from his actions and things he's said that he trusts me and likes me, and he even said tonight that I know him, when truly I don't. I mean I just met him like a little over 2 months ago. I certainly feel like I've known him forever, but rationally, I really don't know him. But he at least feels like I know him, which says a lot I guess. Oh how I wish I had someone I could comfortably talk to about him. I sort of want to gush in that crushy kind of way, but in many ways this is so different from that, and I don't feel like the people I have talked about it with really get that, except my husband, but there is an unspoken rule that I won't gush about another man too much to him because it starts to make him feel insecure, and I'm kind of self-conscious about my feelings about Cookie too, which limits who I'm comfortable talking to about it. Whew! Did you catch all that? The oddest part about my wanting to talk about it is that I don't even think that most of my Austin friends have any idea I even know him, because I specifically don't talk about him because I don't know if I can without gushing. So then I sort of feel like I'm keeping things from my friends, or just that this is some silly secret high school crush. This really should not be this complicated. I think I'm making it too complicated. I need to just chill out. Let go and enjoy the ride. I think I will try to mention in my Live Journal that I saw him today without attaching major importance to that fact. Only you will know how contrived that will be! One final little thing: one of the oddest effects that seeing Cookie has on me is that once he's gone I feel so much more aware and loving towards my husband. What is that about?
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today I listened to: Delerium; India Arie; The Fifth Element soundtrack; Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon soundtrack today I read: Utne
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Crummy - Monday, Jul. 12, 2004 Can't Decide - Monday, Jun. 07, 2004 Letting Go - Friday, Jun. 04, 2004 Google 5 - Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 Before Tattoo - Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 older entries random entry profile * sign my guestbook* For a more complete view of my life, read these: live journal ~ gratitude journal DiaryLand |