Emerald Myst Wanderings

Late Night Ramblings & Our Deepest Fear Monday, May. 05, 2003 - 1:54 am ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here I am, really tired but still poking around online, not knowing why I don't go to bed. I don't really know what I'd rather do than sleep right now, but just going to bed sounds so unfulfilling. I don't have enough things in my life right now that really fulfill me. I still feel so unorganized but I feel too tired to really do anything about it. I still haven't really learned how to rest, but I need to do something restful that also fulfills me some, because otherwise I just end up feeling annoyed or empty. Disastisfied. Like now. I am so obsessing about Cookie. I feel like a freak. I wish I knew what to do to relieve this some. I feel very confused by my own mind lately. I've noticed a tendency to be more obsessive. Like with Manor House. I have read nearly every single thing on that website and I've seen the first episode 3 times. Or how I can't stop thinking about Market Day. Especially my own little Antiques Roadshow moment where I found out that this cool lamp I got for 25 cents at a garage sale in Cannon Falls, Minnesota in 1994 is worth as much as $75! Or like how I can't stop thinking about Cookie and other handsome boys. What is the deal with handsome boys? I felt so great earlier today. What happened? Why am I so unwilling or unable to get my shit together? What the hell am I doing with my time? I am having such strange ups and downs. For part of the day things seem great, then out of nowhere, I feel terrible, then back up again, and down and up etc. etc. I feel like I really must get my life in order to get anything done and just for my own sanity and well-being, but I feel so unwilling to do it. OK I'll admit it: I feel afraid. But of what exactly? I wish I could say. Actually right before the whole no one will pay us to work on the farm crisis, I was thinking about this fear a lot, and a did a couple Tarot reading for myself and stuff. If I remember right, where I was with all that is well summed up from this poem/excerpt in a book I have. It's this book Life Prayers, and this is printed up as a poem but I don't think it actually was written as a poem. It's by Marianne Williamson from A Return to Love. I've also heard part of it attributed to Nelson Mandela. Ok I really don't care that much what it's from or who said it or if it's a poem, it just really resonates with me, and I feel like it's really important to me right now. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who I am to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ today's music: Nick Drake - Pink Moon today's movie: Ghost Dog ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ previous - next most recent entries: Crummy - Monday, Jul. 12, 2004 Can't Decide - Monday, Jun. 07, 2004 Letting Go - Friday, Jun. 04, 2004 Google 5 - Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 Before Tattoo - Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 older entries random entry profile * sign my guestbook* For a more complete view of my life, read these: live journal ~ gratitude journal DiaryLand