|
|
High on Masculine Energy Sunday, May. 04, 2003 - 7:04 pm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I really want to write about this man from last night, but I feel sort of stupid and girly talking about boys more. But I also feel like if I don't get some of it out, I'll just keep obsessing about it in my head. Ok so if you've read this entry first, then all this will make more sense. I don't know why I'm being so sketchy with names. I don't really care much if I'm associated with these people. I'm more concerend that I might reveal something about someone that they don't want revealed. But I'm not revealing any secrets or anything, and almost no one that reads this will even know who these people are. So anyway, the man that turns me into a giggling schoolgirl is Jake. The car mechanic man I mention at the end of that entry and the beginning of this one is Cookie. Of course that's a nickname, but I don't know his real name. The moment I met Cookie I was totally struck by him. I felt kind of giggly. He seemed like he could tell. He seems like the kind of guy that has girls throwing themselves at him. He kind of reminds me of Boomhauer from King of the Hill, if Boomhauer went to Burning Man and was a freak and stuff. In general, not the kind of man I'm usually attracted to. So what is it about him? Very similar to what it is about Jake, also not the kind of man I'm usually attracted to, well, except that Jake's a big guy which I sure like. But anyway, with both of these men it's something about their energy. They just exude this incredible male energy that I just want to soak up. It's sort of sexual and also oddly spiritual. It seems sort of phermonal and primal too. I don't really lust after these guys or want sex with them, I just want to be close to them. I tend to be able to sense where they are without actually looking at them, because they've got this amazing energy. Now the main difference here is that with Jake the feeling is so strong I just can't talk to him at all. With Cookie I do get kinda giggly but I can actually talk to him. I spent a lot of time standing next to him talking, leaning on him in fact because in my drunken state I was having trouble keeping my balance in my boots. And I told him all about how handsome he was and how much I wanted to be near him and that I wanted to soak up his energy. Interestingly he tried to explain it away by saying he'd gotten a recent confidence boost because this girl June declared him the Most Eligible Bachelor in Austin. But I told him it didn't have anything to do with what he does, but simply who he is, which he seemed to get but at the same time be sort of surprised by. See I've started projecting all this stuff on him and I've got these weird prideful hopes that somehow I can have a positive effect on him, because a friend of mine told me a story of him being a real asshole, and I can definitely see that in him. But it also seems like he's got a kind of sadness and feeling of being lost that he never shares with anyone, and I've got some kind of crazy idea that I can help this man. I really annoy myself with this kind of thinking, but maybe my admitting it out loud (well, in writing knowing at least one person will read it) I can not get so attached to these ideas and just let friendship or whatever's going to heppen happen. And I do have to say, he's been nothing but sweet and respectful to me. Anyway, much later in the evening as things wound down and people tended to go for the couches and beds in Audrey's bedroom (I swear I've never seen a bedroom with so many places to lounge, it's awesome), I ended up sort of snuggled up with Cookie, and wow, that really got me high. It was a truly beautiful time and not at all sexual (which really seems so hard to find sometimes. I really really love intimate physicality that does not turn sexual. I mean, there's a fine line for sure, but touch can be so pleasurable and make you feel so close without being arousing also, and so often people take it to the sexual at some point.) I mostly just lay very close to him and felt his voice when he spoke or laughed, and I touched his face a lot, something I totally love doing. For me, it really bordered on a spiritual experience. Anyway, I really really really hope I get to spend more time with this man, and I really hope there's more of this kind of physical interaction. I have felt high from it all day long. Now I'd like to say we won't have so many boy ravings for a while, but I kind of doubt it. Somehow I am really into this masculine energy right now, and I'm noticing beautiful men more than beautiful women. I feel oddly inclined to write Cookie an email, but I don't know what I'd say or how he'd react or if it'd be a good idea at all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Crummy - Monday, Jul. 12, 2004 Can't Decide - Monday, Jun. 07, 2004 Letting Go - Friday, Jun. 04, 2004 Google 5 - Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 Before Tattoo - Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 older entries random entry profile * sign my guestbook* For a more complete view of my life, read these: live journal ~ gratitude journal DiaryLand |