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This Diary, No Friends, & I'm Lost Tuesday, Feb. 18, 2003 - 10:59 pm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well Peg-Anne left me the nicest note in my Guestbook. First I should say that I didn't mean to make it sound like I wanted to stop writing in my diary completely. I mostly meant I should stop that entry, but also reduce how much I wrote until I have, I dunno, something better to say, whatever better means. I do write in a paper journal every morning, and I sort of think of that being my mundane stuff and my complaining, whining, etc. and this diary as being more inspiring, intelligent, etc. But something she said in her note: "You've been called to write about this stuff in your journal..." and I realized I do feel sort of "called" to write in this journal in particular, so I will do my best to stop questioning so much whatever I feel inclined to put in here. (Thanks so much for your support, Kitten!) The other thing I want to say about getting her note, is that I promptly burst into tears upon reading it. Not really because of anything in particular she said, but because I was so overwhelmed at having someone reach out to me like that. (Thanks again, Kitten!) I didn't realize it, but I feel very alone right now. I feel like I have no true friends that I am able to spend time with (because they all live in other cities). I do have some people here that are my friends, but mostly I don't feel real comfortable around them yet, or they just somehow don't feel like they will be the kind of friends I go to in times like this. That's a very vague statement, but it's hard to explain. There is Audrey, who is my best friend and who lives only half a block away. But she's going through all kinds of weirdness herself right now, and I'm feeling like I need to pull away from her some because I've had this tendency to be too involved with her and how it affects me, and it's been hard for me to do stuff in town without thinking about relying on her, and it's just this whole complicated mess. See, I realized something the other day too. Some history: I met my husband at Burning Man 1999 (Labor Day weekend if you don't know). In February of 99 the man I had been with for almost exactly 3 years broke up with me. During this in-between time I lived in Houston and Audrey lived a block and a half away. I saw her practically every day, and she became my main source of emotional intimacy. This was all fine then, and our friendship really strengthened during this time. But it was almost as if we were dating, and the thing is, we never "broke up." I mean, why would we? We were still friends, and that's all we ever were. Well, I say "all" but Audrey's more like my sister than just my friend (so actual dating would never go on between the two of us). But anyway, the result is, my self is sort of inappropriatly attached to hers. (I don't know if she's had similar issues or not.) I guess it is something that's really easy for me to do with someone I'm involved with (this past year I've gotten that way with my husband, but I'm slowly pulling myself out of it), and so now I need to pull myself away from her and create more proper boundaries between our lives. This all sounds so weird, I don't know if it makes sense to anyone reading it, but it seems fairly clear in my head. My point is, I don't feel like I have Audrey as a true friend right now, even though she is practically next door. There is Marie, who is someone I've know since high school, but who I've never gotten super close to because something always happens in her life and she pulls away. It's weird. We'll go through a phase where we're good friends and interacting regularly and then she suddenly doesn't return my phone calls or emails for months. The last patch we went through I don't think I heard from her for like 2 years! We started emailing again a year and a half ago I think. And now we're living in the same town again, and she has a 2-year-old so she hasn't gotten much social interaction in a while. We've hung out a couple times, and are going to again on Thursday. And she is someone I feel like I can talk to about stuff that's going on, so that's good. The problem though is probably obvious. I don't have confidence that she's going to be around. So far it's honestly not too big a deal for me, I've just been interacting with her with no expectations, and it's working ok for me. (And actually a dear friend of mine, Juniper, says she has no expectations of her friendships. And she really doesn't. She's amazing! Why the hell don't I write her more often? But my side-point is that this may be a great lesson for me.) So I don't necessarily want anything to be different than it is with Marie, it's just that she doesn't fill this "true friend" role for me right now either. So I don't know where I'm going with all this junk. I was just so happy and touched to have someone reach out to me and really indicate that they care about what I'm doing right now. And in such an understanding way. Like Audrey I think mostly worries about me (I hear this through my husband). My family would just be worried if they knew all this (so I really hope they're not reading this). And the thing is, even though some days (like today) I feel very awful, I don't feel awful in general. I'm not really worried about what's going on with me. I mostly feel frustrated. And helpless. And confused. I keep wondering if there's something I should be doing different. And what would it be? I feel like I'm waiting for a sign or some kind of divine intervention, but it's frustrating that's it's taking it's time in coming, and maybe that's not what I should be doing anyway. As I've said, I'm just lost. I think I could sit here and write forever at this point. I'm going to end here for now. I really don't want to proofread right now so sorry if there's a bunch of mistakes.
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today's listening: John Gorka - The Company You Keep today's watching: My Dinner with Andre; The Big Bang
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Crummy - Monday, Jul. 12, 2004 Can't Decide - Monday, Jun. 07, 2004 Letting Go - Friday, Jun. 04, 2004 Google 5 - Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 Before Tattoo - Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 older entries random entry profile * sign my guestbook* For a more complete view of my life, read these: live journal ~ gratitude journal DiaryLand |