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Preoccupied with Spiritual Marriage and a Blank Sign Wednesday, Feb. 19, 2003 - 1:31 am ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well here I am writing again. I desperately want to make a connection but I want to feel totally safe and risk nothing. So I write in my little diary here imagining I'm talking to someone and telling them intimate things, and it fills in. I suspect this is why this world of online journals and personal homepages and chat rooms and the internet in general are all so popular. Everyone wants that. To feel like they are connecting with people, without having to extend the energy and risk of actually interacting with them. I don't know how I feel about that. I guess it makes me kind of sad. I wonder what effects this will have on our cultural emotional self? I don't want to ponder that anymore right now. I'm also writing again because I really want to write my friend Kevissimo. But I also don't want to. I think I'm bordering on obsessed with him right now and I don't want to burden him with that. And every time I write him I seem to be unable to stop myself from saying "I miss you" a bunch, and I just feel like I'm getting annoying. I guess I want to express some of what's going on with me, but what I really want from him is to just sit next to him and listen to him talk about stuff. I feel like I could do that forever. But he's in L.A. What is my deal with him? Hard to say. The only thing I've ever come up with is that I feel like we're spiritually married, whatever that means. (All three of us:Kevo, my husband, and I) I told him that at New Year's and I was so grateful surprised & delighted that he said he felt the same way. I guess though if we are somehow unexplainably spiritually married, then it only makes sense I should miss him so much. And this relates to something else I discovered about myself recently. This is from reading The Highly Sensitive Person in Love. Everyone has an "attachment style" which is basically how you experience intimacy and relationships. It's formed when you are a child and which style you adopt depends on what your caretakers were like. 50% of people are "secure" which just means they feel secure that they are loved and will not be abandoned by those around them. This is what would be healthy, or ideal even. But half of people have one of three kinds of insecure style. And I realized that I have the "preoccupied style" which basically means I think people don't care about me as much as I care about them. It was so weird to read that in a book as being a way that 10% of people are, not just some weird little thing I have. That is so much the story of my life and it makes me so sad. It was also kind of freeing I guess to learn this important thing about myself. But right now everything just seems so sad. Let's see if I can find a nice StoryPeople for us. Here. This isn't exactly joyful, but it's very appropriate and it really reminds me of Cast Away which is one of my favorite movies and which I was just thinking about watching when I was done with this and I've been wanting to watch it again for weeks because it's so dreamlike and feels good to me when I feel bad and this is the worst run on sentence I've ever written and it's fun. Here you go.
this is a blank sign that lets you go any direction you want, with no questions asked, but it's no help at all when you want to know if you're going the right way
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Crummy - Monday, Jul. 12, 2004 Can't Decide - Monday, Jun. 07, 2004 Letting Go - Friday, Jun. 04, 2004 Google 5 - Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 Before Tattoo - Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 older entries random entry profile * sign my guestbook* For a more complete view of my life, read these: live journal ~ gratitude journal DiaryLand |