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Lots of Stuff I'm Learning Sunday, Oct. 12, 2003 - 10:57 pm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm learning all kinds of things! I'm learning I need to quiet my "meta-voice," the removed, analytical, narrative voice that's always going in my head about everything. It's serving me know good. I dreamed it has been "abusing" my "inner child." And my critical voice has been working hand in hand with it. Time to quiet it. Time to cut through it to the heart of the matter, to the core of myself. Not be distanced by this constant analysis. I'm learning that I want more connections with people. I'm learning that's the main thing I want from social interaction, and that it's actually not that difficult to get when I focus on that. I'm learning that I want more affection with my friends. When I think about individual people, I feel like I have loads of time. BUT, I want some now. So that's a bit of a quandry. But it's working out I think. I'm learning that I really can meet people! I met someone last weekend, and someone this weekend. I want to go into that more. I want to stop being so fucking anally organized here so why not now. Last weekend at the spy party, I made lots of great connections. I talked a lot with Steve No, who I've always wanted to get to know better but we're so shy it's taken us a while. I got to hang out a lot with Matthew. I met this guy, Whisper, who I really connected with. I also hung out some with Sarah and Pace asked me out on a date! I've never been asked out on a date. Sometimes I feel like my life is slipping away from me. So much happens every day, and I want to remember it all, but it's so hard to. It feels like being caught in a whirlpool all the time. I hope that slows as I get more centered. Hmm. This past weekend I spent more time with Whisper. Really good affectionate time. I got to know Brady finally. And I met Prost, but I call him Omar, and he calls me Sapphire. Friday night I felt really good about affection. I felt like I was pretty much as affectionate as I wanted to be. I gave lots of people hugs. I was told Saturday that I'm a great drunk. I had a special moment with Cookie. He told me he loves me. That means a lot to me. We are connected. I hung out with Beth, and Audrey, and Tanjent a lot. And my husband. And those other people I already named. I got to hug June a lot. I got to see Marrilee. And Glenn. And Bean. I want MORE something. I want my mind to settle. To clear. I feel so pulled in different directions, even though one of those directions is to not be pulled. I'm learning so much from Stuart's presence in my life. I love him dearly. I'd better get to see him this week or I'll go crazy. Maybe I will call him tomorrow. I've had a couple people now tell me they like reading my journal. My Live Journal. It seems odd. I guess I'm glad to hear it. But it's hard for some part of me to believe. Everything is so much. The world is so much. It's so hard to make choices. I wish I had a more obvious path. Better spiritual tools, as Starr and I talked about.
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Crummy - Monday, Jul. 12, 2004 Can't Decide - Monday, Jun. 07, 2004 Letting Go - Friday, Jun. 04, 2004 Google 5 - Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 Before Tattoo - Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 older entries random entry profile * sign my guestbook* For a more complete view of my life, read these: live journal ~ gratitude journal DiaryLand |