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Yet Another Crush Wednesday, Jul. 23, 2003 - 12:48 am ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So for some reason I felt like I shouldn't elaborate on my recent crush stuff, saying it was because of privacy. But that's kind of out of nowhere, considering the other things I've written in here. Why does this time seem more sensitive? I think because it feels more intense, and seems like it might actually affect things. Or something. I feel so confused. Well, and there's also that in this case the man in question does not know about my feelings at all, unless he's just picked up on them. Which actually seems quite possible. I feel like there's some reciprocation. And actually my husband said he sees something there. So I don't know what's going on exactly, but something's going on. If I had not met my husband yet, I would be in love with this man. I feel sort of weird saying such extreme things, like maybe I'm making them happen because I'm defining them. But I'm also desperate to express myself. I'm not ready to put his name in here yet. I don't think I've mentioned him in here before, at least not as a crush. Oh god, I've been thinking about him all day. I keep writing him emails about stupid stuff, just because I want to reach out to him, but don't feel safe doing it yet. When we saw each other last, I felt like we were both looking at each other thinking, I'd really like to hug you or reach out to you but this seems like a weird time to do it so I won't. He kissed me on the cheek when we arrived. I've never seen him greet anyone that way. I know that more needs to happen and I need to be more open with my feelings with him, but I don't want to push anything either. I know something is going to happen, things will resolve themselves in some way or another, but right now it feels so strange and confusing and exciting. It's hard for me to just really enjoy though because I'm worried about upsetting my husband somehow, though so far he's been really cool about it (so long as I "don't make a big deal about it"), and I'm worried about this man being freaked out or whatever because I'm married and I don't really know how he feels about that. I feel like this has the potential to really change things in my life. Even before this, my husband and I had agreed that over the next few months we need to do some "relationship management" and figure out our boundaries better and what we want from our relationship with each other and relationships with others. This situation is definitely one that needs more attention. I feel kind of powerless. I feel like it's not time for me to act, or make anything happen, even just discussion. I feel like I'm supposed to wait for signs of what to do next, or that something will just happen. I'm impatient though. It's hard for me to not know what's happening. Let go and enjoy the ride. Thanks for the reminder. I've got to find someone that's not my husband to talk to about all this, or I'm going to go nuts. I wish Kitten were here to talk to. She was awesome to talk to about Cookie. And so was this man, interestingly enough. Kitten's probably figured out who this new man is. I'm not ready to write his name though.
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Crummy - Monday, Jul. 12, 2004 Can't Decide - Monday, Jun. 07, 2004 Letting Go - Friday, Jun. 04, 2004 Google 5 - Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 Before Tattoo - Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 older entries random entry profile * sign my guestbook* For a more complete view of my life, read these: live journal ~ gratitude journal DiaryLand |