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Rebirth Friday, Sept. 19, 2003 - 2:15 am ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have spent years in the liminal phase. The in-between time. On the threshold. Almost but not yet. I realized it right before Burning Man 98. The phase after the liminal phase is rebirth. I was so anxious for rebirth. But I never seemed to quite get there. I was so almost. As I said, for years. On Sunday night on the playa, the temple burned. I was in a very strange, extremely emotional state, first just because I was at Burning Man, but mostly because of the Shannon crisis. The temple burned and it was beautiful. It was so simple, after the spectacle of the man burning. They just simply lit it on fire, and it burned to the ground. The people gathered around were quiet. Reverent. As the temple burned, different people were oming, toning, chanting. At one point many people near me started singing complicated overlapping chants, they wove together in beautful improvised harmonies. As I slowly walked around the inner circle close to the fire, I heard lots of different oming everywhere. I saw two women with their eyes closed, chanting, their hands together in prayer. I saw a girl crying, tears rolling down her face. A man walked up to her, and with such tenderness, placed his hand on her cheek. A gesture of comfort and connection. The energy was so peaceful and, again, reverent. Holy, even. I felt so very good and connected, in spite of the chaos in my heart. After a while I had stepped back from fire a little, and I was standing alone in the dark facing the fire, just on the edge of the inner circle. I imagine my face looked distraught. A girl came up to me. I have since started calling her my guardian angel. She reached for me, gave me a hug, and whispered in my ear, "It's ok." I began crying on her shoulder. She held me close, and said it a couple more times: "It's ok." After a little while, she pulled back and looked at me. The fire was behind her and so I never saw her face. I would never recognize her if I saw her again. She put her hand on my heart and said, "Peace be with you." She moved on. Something was in her touch, in that moment. I brought my hands to my heart, held them crossed there. For how long I have no way of telling. I felt such overwhelming peace, peace I have never known. I felt broken open yet whole. I felt the chaos settle all around me and deep within myself glowed this beautiful simple pure peace. I knew who I was. I was grateful for everything the Universe had ever given me. I cannot say enough words about that moment. I cannot adequately describe the feeling of peace I had. I also knew in that moment that Shannon was going to be ok. That when we arrived at the hospital to see her she would be awake. (And she was.) I can also see now that that moment was my transition from the liminal phase into rebirth. I have such a sense of going forward. At the same time, everything has seemed so strange to me since I returned home. My days have been so up and down. I have been processing so much stuff. I realized last night I also have these strong feelings of sadness and anger. The sadness is most like mourning. I feel I am mourning my old self. She will never come back. Not that she should or that I even want her to, but she was with me for a long time. I am also mourning what feels like lost time. It's also what makes me angry. I see that of course everything I have been and experienced is part of who I am today and is all important for that reason. But I also see how much time was wasted in a way while I was that sub-optimal self. I feel upset about it, about those years I can't have back. I really don't know what I could have done differently, nor do I think I should have done anything differently, but you can't reason with emotions. I think I would feel better if I had something more tangible to show for my life so far. A real answer to the "What have you been up to?" or "What do you do?" questions I got at my high school reunion. Hmm. I don't know exactly where I'm going from here, but I have great faith the path will present itself as I need it to. I have everything I need to move forward.
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Crummy - Monday, Jul. 12, 2004 Can't Decide - Monday, Jun. 07, 2004 Letting Go - Friday, Jun. 04, 2004 Google 5 - Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 Before Tattoo - Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 older entries random entry profile * sign my guestbook* For a more complete view of my life, read these: live journal ~ gratitude journal DiaryLand |