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Summer Plans Ruined & Unio Mystica Friday, May. 02, 2003 - 1:31 am ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel so very sad right now. I should be in bed, but I just couldn't bear lying there feeling sad. We found out today that our exciting summer plans are sort of ruined. Well, not ruined exactly, I mean, I know we'll figure something else out and everything will be ok in the end and maybe something even better will happen... but that really doesn't make me feel much better right now. Basically, my husband's mother sort of fabricated the story that the cousin with the organic farm needed workers. Yes, my husband's mother is crazy. No really. She has a "thought disorder." Why we trusted her on this is beyond me. I guess we were feeling desperate for some kind of change and universal intervention. But we did call the cousin last week to ask, did they need help on the farm, and she implied that they did but she had to talk to people first. Why she couldn't tell us no last week is also beyond me. Yes the cousin is crazy too. There's a reason my husband hasn't lived in the same city as most of his family since high school. Anyway, if we can't work on the farm we can't possibly afford to be in Michigan for the summer, and the farm work was the main reason to go up there, so we don't really want to find other work up there. We're having enough trouble with that here, thank you very much. So I feel disappointed and angry. And tricked. And abandoned. I thought finally the Universe was helping us out, giving us hope, giving us signs, a plan even. And now I feel left to figure it all out on my own again. Well on my own with my husband. I just feel sick of this. I just want to rant and vent. I feel like everything is always up to me. I feel like nothing happens if I don't make it happen. I just feel so tired. And I so seldom let myself really want anything. I so seldom let myself get so passionate and excited about things, exactly because I'm afraid if it doesn't work out then I'll be crushed. So is that a lesson I'm supposed to learn?! I mean, I don't really think that's how the Universe works, it's just something I do out of habit, but this really does not help me break that habit. I know, I'm being melodramatic. But argh this is hard. Now we have to figure out what the hell to do this summer. And there's so many options but so many restraints. It's very hard to figure out what to do. And so many of the things we might want to do involve waiting to hear back from people. Oh I am so disappointed and frustrated. Yes I know we can create a summer plan that is just as exciting as our previous plan, but right now I just need to feel sad. Here is how I want to feel. Touched and connected and divine and inspired and loving and free.
This painting is called Unio Mystica and it's by A. Andrew Gonzalez. Go look at his other artwork here.
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Crummy - Monday, Jul. 12, 2004 Can't Decide - Monday, Jun. 07, 2004 Letting Go - Friday, Jun. 04, 2004 Google 5 - Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 Before Tattoo - Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 older entries random entry profile * sign my guestbook* For a more complete view of my life, read these: live journal ~ gratitude journal DiaryLand |
