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Turning Point Saturday, Dec. 13, 2003 - 10:12 pm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wow. Yesterday was a big intense turning point for me. I had a lot of stuff on my mind all day. I was still thinking a lot about things that were discussed at the Pink Palace Tuesday night. I was wondering just what the heck I was doing. I mean, I have finally started to realize and visualize the kind of life my true self wants to be living, but I'm not living it. There's nothing drastically different really, it's mostly just about how I spend my days. As I realized Tuesday, I have spent the last several months, year even, trying to work through this awful fear that has been preventing me from doing things that really matter to me, things that really mean something to me. Instead I've just been doing "busy work" to fill the time and to feel like I'm being productive, though often I haven't even done that well. I've been trying to create a schedule for myself to insure I do the things I want to do every day, but I'm so resistant to following it because it feels so rigid. But the days I don't follow it, I tend to do very little because I feel afraid to actually do anything, or something. Anyway, all this was going around in my mind. I also had Kai on my mind a lot, partially because I'd had a dream about him, but mostly because somehow from the Tuesday conversation he had, in my mind, become like an accountability partner. I kept feeling all day that I'd have trouble explaining to him why I wasn't doing the things I wanted to be doing and instead I was doing more busy work, or doing nothing. This feeling started to really get to me. I was starting to really understand that I needed a big change. But the more I thought about that, the more scared I got. I was finally just terrified. I called my husband thinking that would help. Instead, I just burst into tears on the phone with him, and I had to get off so that he could actually work because I knew there was nothing he could do. I wrote in my journal a lot. I cried a lot. I tried to figure out just what the hell I was so scared of. I cried a lot more. Eventually something happened, and I snapped. I have mentioned in here before that I spent a couple years being severely depressed and suicidal, and during most of that time I often pricked my fingers with safety pins repeatedly or cut up my hands with razor blades. There was a certain headspace/emotional state I frequently found myself in that was so fucking terrifying and out of control that I would feel desperately like I wanted to throw things and break things, and eventually I started cutting myself because it was the only thing I knew to do to bring me back, calm me down, make me feel like I had any control. After I had cut myself, usually I would draw pictures in my journal with the blood. It was oddly soothing. Back to yesterday. As I said, something snapped. I found myself sobbing on the floor feeling completely terrified and out of control, wanting to throw things and break things. I started thinking of safety pins and razor blades. That had not happened to me in years. That made me feel even more scared. But I just didn't know what to do to get out of it. Eventually I realized I was playing with one of my rings and I looked at it. It was my wedding ring, not my wedding ring with my husband, my wedding ring with myself. On my birthday in 1999, I had a wedding ceremony with myself where I declared vows to myself, and Audrey witnessed, and I got myself this small silver braided ring as my own personal wedding ring. I looked at the ring and I thought, boy, cutting myself would really not be living up to my vows very well, would it. That realization somehow brought me out of the terror. But the crisis didn't feel over. I knew that I needed to figure out the fear. I couldn't simply do more busy work. I knew I couldn't go out or I'd likely just be overwhelmed. My husband wasn't coming home because he was doing the Santa thing. I had to figure this out on my own, and I had lots of time. I was lucky enough to have Kai actually call me around then, asking about Santa stuff, and that phone call really helped bring me up some, which allowed me to make a decision. I decided I would have an interesting experience. I knew this would be exactly what I needed to give me that push I needed to understand my fear. It so was. I made sense of it pretty quickly, and then had the rest of the night to be blissful. I listened to music, I danced in my living room. I talked on the phone to a few people, most notably Stuart, who I am so grateful to for being there for me and talking to me so much, because I was really needing to connect with people. So now you're wondering what I figured out. This is the part that feels most personal. I'm afraid it's going to not sound like such a big deal, or that it will be misunderstood and worst, be made fun of somehow. Ok, saying what I'm afraid of makes it feel more manageable. So, I have been aware that my outer self, the way I've been living, is not always an accurate representation of my inner, true self. This has been the problem. But I've been so very afraid to actually start living as that true self. This inner self is a luminous being, is pure light and love, and is deeply connected to the Universe. I believe every person's inner self is this type of luminous being. What I realized is that if I really am this luminous being, then my outer self has been treating my inner self very badly. Cruelly, even. I have been so incredibly bad to myself, and through myself, my behavior has been an affront to the Divine. I am so ashamed. I feel that I have been very bad. This was particularly difficult for me to handle, because my outer self does not understand forgiveness at all, and couldn't fathom there being any way to make this ok. I couldn't imagine how I would live with myself if I really acknowledged what had been going on. But then I realized that my inner self is also forgiveness, and having acknowledged my wrongdoing, I would be forgiven. This relieved such a weight off of me. I feel like I can go forward. And I know that my true self wants to do the things that I have been trying to get myself to do with scheduling and so forth, so when I am really living that self, I will do the things. Now I have to remember to listen to my self, really listen. And be true to what I hear. A funny thing came to me at the end of the evening. When faced with a decision, I must remember: WWID? What Would I Do? I don't expect that my journey from here will be easy. I'm sure there are many more obstacles, and I'm sure I'll backslide. But a huge obstacle was overcome yesterday. I finally feel really ready. I finally feel reborn.
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Crummy - Monday, Jul. 12, 2004 Can't Decide - Monday, Jun. 07, 2004 Letting Go - Friday, Jun. 04, 2004 Google 5 - Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 Before Tattoo - Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 older entries random entry profile * sign my guestbook* For a more complete view of my life, read these: live journal ~ gratitude journal DiaryLand |