|
|
Preoccupied Whining Monday, Apr. 21, 2003 - 2:04 am ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why am I continually up so late, poking around between diaryland and my email, hoping for something exciting to happen? Why do I not feel like I can make something exciting happen on my own? I really wish I knew what I needed to do to feel confident and special and loved and cared for and like I got plenty of attention from people. This preoccupied thing sucks. But I mean really. I just need to whine for a minute. I have been sending out a couple of birthday cards a week since December and occasional cards for no reason. I try to send personal emails to people regulary and I sent out about 30 two to three weeks ago. Now mostly I do these things because I imagine they make people happy because they would sure make me happy. The bonus for me is that hopefully I'll get some of that same kind of energy back from people. And I guess I've gotten a little, but I just don't feel like I've gotten much. I don't mean to sound like I'm waiting for the Universe to pay me back, and I will definitely keep doing the cards and emails and I'm hoping to start doing more soon, but GEEZ! It would be so awesome to get more responses from people. Especially the email. What is up with that? And I know I really haven't given much energy to making friends here in Austin but I just feel overwhelmed by it. First, with both new and old friends, I imagine it would help things if I'd actually call people sometimes. But I'm just so phone phobic lately, it seems impossibly difficult and scary to call people. And you know what else? And this is something I feel like I've been coming up against my whole life. Why is it up to me? I mean can't other people give me a call? I always think of this one time when I was 9. I had joined this children's theatre group and hadn't made too many friends yet, and my mother was always asking why I didn't invite any of the girls to spend the night? (A usual social activity for us girls then. Maybe it still is, I dunno.) Well I didn't because I was so damn shy and nervous and highly sensitive. But what has occurred to me many times since then is why the fuck couldn't they invite me? Why was it somehow up to me to make it happen? Why does it always feel like it's up to me to make something happen? See my huge fear is that my preoccupied attachment style makes me have unreasonable expectations and the way people respond to me is totally normal. I wish there was any way at all I could tell. Maybe I want more to happen than most people so it should be up to me because I want more. Oh this just all sucks and I hate all this complaining. I really have great plans of organizing my life better when I feel well again, and I will send out more cards and more emails, and maybe even make some phone calls, and definitely make more plans with people that actually live in my town. And maybe even make some real friends here that aren't dysfunctional. Do they even exist? Why am I being so negative? Oh please StoryPeople help me now. Wait, even better. A beautiful calming picture from Michael Green. Kiss You
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Crummy - Monday, Jul. 12, 2004 Can't Decide - Monday, Jun. 07, 2004 Letting Go - Friday, Jun. 04, 2004 Google 5 - Tuesday, May. 18, 2004 Before Tattoo - Wednesday, May. 12, 2004 older entries random entry profile * sign my guestbook* For a more complete view of my life, read these: live journal ~ gratitude journal DiaryLand |
